Never thought it be me
As I sit here on a nightly basis reflecting over the last 8 months , The tiredness burdens me, but not the kind of tired that would give me rest and finally put me to sleep. It’s the kind of tired you feel in your bones until it sinks all the way down, deep into your soul.
Im honestly tired, Im tired of writing the same things over and over again, about how I’m too young for this, or how I’m trying my best to get past it and make sense of it, or how I’m just so grateful.
I get tired of hearing and reading about young and old people connected to me getting diagnosed with cancer It hurts so much every time I hear and it continually brings back memories, I’m tired of being afraid and scared for me and my boys and I just want to get on with life but I’m tired of wondering if I’m next in line to relapse or even the worst even though I try not to think about it I’m tired of hearing and reading about cancer and pretending like it means something to me. I’m tired of carrying around the secret burden of this not knowing inside me while on the outside pretending to be all good.
It’s tough beyond the toughest things Ive had to endure in all my life and never expected to have to deal with it,
I’m over the guilt I feel when I write these things down, I’m tired of the role I find myself in, Im tired of worrying if that’s all I’ll ever really be good at now.
Cancer affects so much more than just your physical body It’s becomes close it sinks to every part of your life and every sense of your inner most It invades every hope and fear, especially all your thoughts of how your life is going and how it continues putting myself into the right positive frame of being and mind, I try to be the best person I can be, I keep thinking daily maybe I can find a purpose in this battle and i hope I continue to stay positive to make a difference and in all dreams and hopes of getting through this tough year, I use to think I was blessed as life was going so well, but my eyes have been opened wider and it make me realise how really blessed I am, cancer is not what makes me and it does not define me, but truthfully cancer has become part of me. It’s in me and as I built up to prepare myself for the battle so that I could outwit it I was scared to find out about how I was affected by it and I was scared to find everything about it ,I keep thinking that the unknown is the scariest part but knowing about it and it made me feel like I knew where and what I was doing and what I had to endure.
As I continue to recover I grow wise I knew to myself that I had to do something positive to make a difference,
I sort of find my self of being in the situation of being a cancer advocate sometimes this helps me in a way trying to share my story to help others but it doesn’t come without the emotions of fear, bitterness, anger, sadness, grief or any associated dark emotion believe me it can drag a person down to dark places in the subconscious but knowing that God,family and close friends are close by and support I know I will continue to overcome it, believe me this makes me tired to live this way every day. It’s hard to carry these emotions.
But as anyone in a situation close to mine it’s the way you get up everyday and try to just kick on and get things done.
I try to wear my heart on my sleeve and give these insights and in doing this I have
stepped up to the online cancer community , and am trying to make a difference ill try to be an someone who can relate and give help, I’ll always support those who share this unique and unfortunate bond with me, I try and will try to help and support in any capacity where someone is affected family,friend or stranger in any way I can, Cancer doesn’t make sense but people are not alone, it’s what defines me. Continuing to concentrate on pain management and getting my self back to full health are the things that are most important and continuing frame of mindset and positiveness are my main focus but
as I take each step forward, each day that passes please don’t get me wrong I am so incredibly thankful I am surviving after my diagnosis and treatment and are trying my hardest to be positive and get back to the way I was but at the same time, I’m still the same person I was before this all happened, it’s help me realise what’s important in life and who important and not to take it all for granted and believe me I’m ready to be so much more than someone who survived cancer and is continuing to survive it I just want people to make amends and realise it can happen to anyone look at my story and I say I never thought it be me.