Today is my 2nd week after radiation and the thought of it being all over and now focusing on the recovery aspects of my last few months the most frustrating thing is how much I have missed and are not able to do I’ve been off work for 4 months now and still struggling with the recovery process of the treatment from the nerve pain and the swelling of the surgery and inflamed by the radiation to the pain from the burn that is covering half of my thigh ,it is not easy to sit down and rest when you have two young boys full of life and from being on my feet at work to relying on crutches and a walking stick to get around is confronting and a little bit embarrassing to say the least but only time can heal, with the thought process changing and trying to gauge momentum for the future I now look back on the people and the persons who made my struggle bearable and my support network which was a key part in me progressing through the crappy but life changing experience,I have not only endured the physical pain but also the mental pain with it all coming to a front of the battle that was before me,I must say the most honest way was trying to deal with it with a positive aspect and to take it on the chin and try to move on from this terrible situation. the people who have given me that will to keep going and get through it in the most admiring way possible were my family past and present and financially having my work continue to pay me with my sick leave benefit I’m lucky to have but the most important people have been the one closest to me.
My wife Luisa my un amore has been through a similar battle when she was a lot younger and as I grew to acknowledge my situation I had to also understand that she had been through an experience with the loss of her mum at a young age from cancer aswell.
This some how makes me think that she was strong enough to get through this battle that s she had been thrown into,which wasn’t hers but effected her so much , she was brave and never treated me in a different way she jus got on with life not babying the situation but just drove head on into it with no backward step she was loving and helpful in all situations thrown at her while adjusting to the life of continuing looking after and managing the family , id hate to say it but I knew it was not fair and I could only feel sorry for her as she didn’t deserve this and I kept on thinking why did this happen to me I was more worried how it would affect her and my children, who goes thorough life with losing someone so close to you at such a young age only to be thrown to the lions again when your soul mate has to deal with the same adversity and struggle again whats the chances whats the luck of that happening it frustrates me to think about it, but I knew that regardless of why the bad luck had occurred I knew that she would get me through this ,she was truly inspirational.
My mum also I cant imagine the thought that would go through your mind when your children are faced with sickness albeit a sickness that can change everything,her strength and love was the basis of me getting through the mental battle that was thrown at me it felt like god had chosen her to burden all of the thoughts that I didn’t want to think she continually re assured me and continually took on all the worrying countless telling me “the worrying is up to me so you just do what you have to do but ill do all the worrying for you’,I felt a sense of relief as I knew for some reason that the burden I was going through was sadly shared on others even though it was not fair Cancer not only affects the person but also the people closest to you ,it makes me think that human nature is confoundedly truly about care and Love.
My brother also had to face my adversity with me constantly being there to talk and just to tell me that id get through this and get to where I wanted to go in no time, giving positive vibes regardless even when he was over seas with my cousins who also showed me support which gave me strength, the little things mean a lot even when there half way across the world and it must be hard seeing someone have to deal with this struggle.
My dad is very reserved and I knew it was hard for him as well he was always there and I knew he was fighting the battle for me albeit in his own little way.
Also the support of my family from my aunties and uncles to all of my cousins with just always being there to support, the phone calls and random pop ins to the countless messages I’m truly blessed to have a family like mine, they have been through it all before and it doesn’t seem fair again that they have to go through it again ,it must have bought back memories,but from the memories it gave me strength and kept me strong in knowing that their strength and love would get me through.
My two best mates even though we don’t see each other as much because of our schedules I know can also rely on them to be there regardless of the time.Its funny you go through life and you meet a lot of people and you build relationships with people you meet but it always grounds me to realise regardless of time not seeing each other because we are so busy working and going in different directions with daily life , when I see my two best mates it is like we haven’t missed a beat we always pick up from where we left off regardless of the time in between catch ups, and I know I can always rely on them regardless of time and place.
In summary of the support it came to me to realise that sometimes life goes by to fast and if you don’t step back and realise whats important it can become like routine,in a sense routine is good and structure is good but the balance is important we are here to live and draw on our experiences, from bad too good like I say there is always positivity out of negativity life is for living, easy or hard we have to push on and live ,it is the greatest gift and we should cherish it.
One of the hardest things as well was to realise the battle ahead I have,without trying to think to far into the future I know that I have got a 2 year window where I constantly have to think about the unknown, it begins in 6 weeks when I have to have my first MRI scan and chest CT then in a following 4 weeks have to have the PET scan,the time leading up and the time frame after the scans will no doubt be the hardest and I can only be positive where I can’t be the beholder of my future I’m only the vessel and its only up to god where my future continues to go.
But I’m definitely not going to give up living or letting that get the best of me with the continuing support from my family and people close to me ill keep hopping along and get back to normality as soon as I can.